Dream Reader (Part 3): Sweet Cooper

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Blogging 101 Challenge : publish a post for your dream reader, and include a new-to-you element in it (Post 3 of 3 in this series).

I pushed away the doctor’s recommendations. “It isn’t time,” I said. I couldn’t bring myself to accept the truth of what my eyes were seeing. I did everything. Then you said, DSCN1104“No more.” You refused your medications, and soon there was no denying the truth.

I held on because I couldn’t let go.

Six months after our last conversation with the doctor, I made the call. You were always most at rest in my arms even on the worse days and I wanted to be there holding you. I wanted you to feel loved as you finally found the peace your body sought.

I had no idea what it would be like. It was not peaceful. The sedation confused and frightened you. Things happened as if in slow motion. I was in a hell of my own making. Unable to stop the suffocating avalanche bearing down on us, all I could do was hold you. Try to calm and comfort you as best I could, and let you know you were loved and not alone.

I hope you remember my arms around you, the stroke of my hand against your face, the loving touch of your dad, and my voice as I sang softly to you. I pray those are the last things you remember from that day. I pray the memories of me, your dad, and our family are with you now and that your days are filled with joy. I hope the sounds of the laughter remind you of us.
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Above all other gifts, you sweet, sweet Cooper were the most precious I ever received.

I always tried doing what was best for you. I realize on that day, I failed and I will forever regret my actions. It should have been on your terms, when you decided. Curled up together on the sofa, I could’ve held you, sung softly, and you would’ve known peace, love and gentle parting.

Cooperonottoman I will never make that mistake again. Your precious sister, who misses you terribly, is well, happy, and safe.

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Things will be different for Piper. When the time comes, she will tell me. I will wrap my arms around her in love, and remember you, I promise.

Saying I’m sorry isn’t enough, but you deserved at least that much. We loved you more than these few words can say, and I want you to know Cooper, you were, a delight to have in our lives. We will never forget the way you hated to have your picture taken, loved boating and fishing, or the excitement you brought to Christmas.

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For twelve years you gave us unconditional love and more joy than I’ve ever known. I am forever grateful and humbled to have had the privilege to be your human mom.

I will love you always,

Mom

 

 

 

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